The Adventures of Basil The Cylinder

Once upon a time in the not particularly magical land of Completely-Weird-on-Sea, Basil the Cylinder was sitting around doing nothing.

   'Oh dear,' he thought, 'this won't make for a very interesting story.'

  And so he decided to pay a visit to his old friend Harold the Hexagon who lived among the dunes of rubbish near Haha Hill, Teehee Terrace, Guffaw Grange and Absolutely Killing Myself Avenue. Basil found Harold doing the Geometry Gazette crossword.

  'Three down. Properties of squares and rectangles available for sale in the Highgate area. Erm...'

  'Hello Harold,' said Basil crosswordinterrupingly. 'How are you today?'

  'I'm a bit unsettled, to be honest Basil. You know the Burgon Dispenser I bought the other day? It's gone wrong.'

  'Wrong? I don't understand these technical terms.'

  'To be more precise, Basil, the Pinnin Valve has become completely unattainable.'

  'Ah I see. Well why don't we go to the Burgon Dispenser Repair Shop? It's just round the bend.'

  'So's the bloke who's writing this,' said Harold, insultingly as far as I was concerned.

  And so Basil and Harold went down Haha Hill, past Teehee Terrace, through Guffaw Grange and along Absolutely Killing Myself Avenue until they came to the Burgon Dispenser Repair Shop. It was shut.

  'Oh dear!' said Harold, or words to that effect.

  Suddenly before you could say 'Deactivatatronalisation,' which I admit isn't something you're likely to say, into the clearing sprang the evil Gladys The No Shape In Particular!

  'Gladys! What do you want? ' said Basil fearfully.

  'You can't fool me, you're not Basil Fearfully, you're Basil the Cylinder!' said Gladys. 'Any road, I've come to get my burgon dispenser repaired.'

  'I'm afraid the shop is far from open,' said Basil.

  'What??? That makes me so angry I'm going to turn you and Harold into a frog!'

  'Do you mean you're going to turn me and Harold into one frog, or both of us into separate frogs?'

  'Hmm, that sounds a bit complicated. Don't worry, I'll turn you into a frog, and you into a bat.'

  'That's no clearer,' continued Basil. 'Are you saying you're going to turn me into a frog and then into a bat later on, or are you referring to me in the first instance and Harold in the second?'

  'Oh, never mind!' said Gladys, 'I'll come back when I've figured it out.'

  And off she went to be evil somewhere else.

  'Well done, Basil!' said Harold. 'Well done!'

  'No problem,' said Basil. 'No problem!'

  And so, repeating themselves for dramatic emphasis all the way down the hill, Basil and Harold ventured off into the distance in search of more adventures, and the nearest off-licence.

The Adventures of Basil The Cylinder can be heard as part of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show on the British Comedy Guide website. Or you can listen here: