In Tiptree South, Elmo McTaggart will be holding a sponsored Spot The Lengths Contest. Participants are advised to look in the dustbin (see Oracle for details). The winner will receive a portrait painting of some granite, and a small fortune into the bargain. Please note: If you live in Whitstable, bring a packed lunch.
There will be a concert in New Malden Crowbar Centre where Ellis Huge, the most famous lengths specialist of all, will be premiering a new composition entitled ‘Lengths And Longths.’ This is an involved piece which was written on foot during a walk in the Brecon Beacons. The ramifications of this are not yet known.
Finally in Bexhill-On-Sea, as a tribute to the many lengths in the area, a steam roller will be driven up and down. Parking is available, but if you are walking to the event don’t worry about it.
Lastly, in Norway-on-Sea, opera singer Barbara Grainge will be making a strangulated noise for three and a half minutes. You may recall that last year’s attempt went horribly wrong and left many spectators incompetent. Precautions have now been taken and placed in a sealed container. Thank you.