Tuesday, 21 January 2014

pipe cleaner

Yesterday morning/evening (delete as applicable) I went round to see my neighbour-in-chief Bazil Frintonby as I wanted to borrow one of his pipe cleaners in case I ever took up smoking.  Sadly he had no pipe cleaners to speak of, but instead invited me to borrow a walnut in case I ever took up eating walnuts.  Or indeed, smoking them.  I declined his offer and instead asked for the loan of a Hargoyne as I had seen one in the corner.  Some of you might not know what a Hargoyne is.  At this point his unusually mauve wife Goopton turned up and began screaming something about Birmingham Polytechnic, while throwing sherbet all round the room.  Sensing it was time to leave, I left. Nevertheless without people like Bazil and Goopton, I wouldn't have had anything to do yesterday morning/evening (delete as applicable).

Sunday, 19 January 2014

nice mention in The Guardian/Observer today

Got a nice mention in The Guardian today, hope you might give my show a listen! x

Tuesday, 14 January 2014


Today I interviewed the head of the leading provider of artichokes for the whole of North-West Frinton, Brian Bnbgz, named after a spelling mistake.

JOHN: Brian, thanks for taking the time to speak to me today.
BRIAN: Have an artichoke.
JOHN: Tell me Brian, in your view what makes a really good artichoke?
BRIAN: Well, to me it needs to be the exact opposite of a really bad one.
JOHN:  And how many artichokes do you provide to the folk of North-West Frinton on a daily basis?
BRIAN: Approximately two.
JOHN: That doesn't sound like very many.
BRIAN: I wouldn't say that - for the people who only have one artichoke it represents twice as many.
JOHN: What are your plans for the future, Brian?
BRIAN: Well I'm hoping to be the first man in space.
JOHN: Er...Yuri Gagarin was the first man in space.
BRIAN: I'll be the second one then.
JOHN:  Did you know that the first pop star in space was his daughter, Lady Gagarin?
BRIAN: Have an artichoke.
JOHN: Any final words for your fans, Brian?
BRIAN: I've got some penultimate ones, will they do?
JOHN: Not really.
BRIAN: Oh dear.
JOHN: You genuinely don't have any final words at all?
JOHN:  Brian Bnbgz, thank you very much.

Brian Bnbgz appears by kind permission of a tree.  I've no idea why - I didn't like to ask.


Monday, 13 January 2014

teatray news

Yesterday at round or about 3.22pm and 3 seconds(approx) I noticed a teatray in the street.  Concerned for it's welfare, I immediately phoned the Teatray Bureau three months later.  Since then I'm glad to say that since then the tray has been returned to its worried owner since then.  But here now is a run-down of the regular Teatray Bureau staff in case you have a similar occurrence:

Ron Ligtonbyyy - Chief Teatray Scuttler
If your teatray needs scuttling, Ron's your man.  If you don't, leave him alone - he gets enough hassle as it is.

Timothy Ohns - Teatray Information Gathererer
Timothy houses, harbours and harvests a plethora of non-valuable teatray information.  Why not give him a call using some sort of phone?

Gladys Tinp - Teatray Decongealer
If your teatray is, was, or has been congealing due to the recent happenings, Gladys can help you at a reduced rate.  As well as bags of congealment knowledge, she is also a fully qualified Trekkie (Nimoy Award).

Contact them today and render YOUR teatray collection viable before it's too late.

Sunday, 12 January 2014

inventor news

Today is the anniversary of the invention of the armchair by Terence Quang of Leeds. Apparently he came up with the idea because he was fed up with sitting on the floor.  He also invented the Biscuit Tin Firing Cannon which didn't catch on in the same way.  Thanks to the armchair, however, Terence became a rich man, as until very recently anyone using an armchair had to pay him a royalty.  Failure to pay would result in Quang turning up, often unannounced, with his Biscuit Tin Firing Cannon.  He would threaten to fire the least appetising flavours at non-paying users without a moment's hesitation.  Quang died at the end of his life when one of his own armchairs collapsed in on him.  He was 93. He was also dead.

sporting news

Yesterday I took part in the British Plinth Hoisting Championships which, due to lack of funds, took place in New Malden Central Car park.  There was certainly a good turn out. Or we thought there was until we realised all the cars were there to visit the Sainsbury's next door.  There were five competitors give or take two or three - in other words, me and a man called Len.  Len had been hoisting plinths all his life and thus had far more experience.  He was able to hoist a particularly large wooden plinth several feet off the ground using a complex series of ropes and pulleys, whereas I had bargained on using a Plinth Hoister which I had picked up in Woolworth's a few years ago.  Sadly it fell to bits as I got it out of the box.  Len was thus crowned the winner and celebrated in time honoured fashion by doing nothing whatsoever.  Bravo, Len!      

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

quiz about Great Missenden

1. Great Missenden is known for its
a. Clocks
b. Emus, dogs and bats
c. More clocks

2. The most famous person ever to have come out of Great Missenden is
a. The King of Prussia
b. Bernard someone
c. Dead

3. Great Missenden has one car park.  Is this
a. True
2. False
iii. Neither

4. Prior to expansion, Great Missenden was called
b. Little Missenden
d. Even Smaller Than That Missenden
a. Microscopic Missenden

5.  This quiz is about
a. Great Missenden
b. Emus dogs and bats
c. To finish

Answers at the end of the year, Missenden fans!

Monday, 6 January 2014

a lot of people

A lot of people ask me if I've ever been visited by a series of giant crayons.  This has in fact happened to me slightly more than seven times.  In other words, eight times.  The first visitation took place on St Dustbin's Day - the day when all the villagers gather round the nearest dustbin and sing songs of puzzlement such as 'Why Are We Standing Round This Dustbin,' and 'Twas on St Dustbin's Day I Got Really Annoyed.'
But to return to the subject in hand (bacofoil), giant crayons have never bothered me unduly. Indeed, they can be immensely useful, particularly if you have a giant unfinished drawing hanging about.
I hope the matter can now be laid to rest, giant crayon fans.

poetry facts

One of the most not very good poets of all time was Noges Tinpptonby (not pictured). Despite concentrating on writing poems for over 50 years, he only completed three.  One was over 700 pages long, but he lost it. Another one fell down the back of the sofa where it remained forgotten until it was eaten by his pesky dog, Noncat.  His third and final poem remains intact, which he wrote using his favourite fountain pencil:

Poem About Things
Now I see
That this poem might be
A bit too weird
Tis as I feared
And that is how it has appeared
To be
To me
Is the number of poems I have written so far
I hope I will write more
Possibly four
Or even five
Unless by that time I am no longer alive.

He died shortly after completing this poem, and never wrote again.  His poem lives on, although he may well have have preferred it the other way round.

Sunday, 5 January 2014

another nice visit

Took the train to New Malden to visit my old friend Donald Quotttson (see pic). Donald has a very interesting job which involves attaching twigs to pebbles but apparently it is all very hush-hush.  No further information was gleaned about this, despite using my brand new gleaning equipment.  Donald is also one of New Malden's leading sound effects collectors, and he played me the only known recording of a biscuit tin being fired from a cannon into a vat of mungbeans. He's come a long way since his collection consisted of 'door opening' and 'man on horse.'  Donald and I had a lovely chat about the old days, concentrating on the proterozoic era. Then sadly it was time to go, and with a cheery wave I bade him farewell, got in his car and drove home. Apparently he wants it back. So much for friendship.  

Saturday, 4 January 2014

fan club news

Interested in holdalls? Then why not join The Great Missenden Holdall Fan Club.  Now based in Plymouth due to eviction, and unable to afford new headed notepaper, the club retains its original name for traditional reasons. When you join the GMHFC you'll receive

A picture of a holdall
An audio recording of a holdall
A photo of someone who used to have a holdall
A twig (optional)

Just send £5 with an additional £50,000 and not only will you become a full member, you'll also..erm...actually that's it.

For further information, contact The Further Information Society on a number.

Friday, 3 January 2014

new pop group

Here we see new pop sensation The Flipcharts from Haversack, Stiltshire.  They met during a polevaulting tournament and decided to form a band to write solely about this underrated sport.  Since then many of their songs have been used at major polevaulting events and some of the smaller ones as well.  The middle-sized ones have been ignored for some reason.  Whether examining the pole itself or looking at the actual vaulting process, their songwriting is certainly focused.  The band members cannot be named for copyright reasons, suffice it to say that when their pop caterwauling begins, no man is safe from sheer audio turmoil.

The Frinton Porpoise

This is the Frinton Porpoise, so called because

a. It comes from Frinton and
b. It is a porpoise.

It spends its days swimming, eating, and pondering the meaning of Dermot O’Leary’s success in an ever-declining world.  Voted Top Porpoise by the NME in 1947, this natty creature has been involved in the Frinton Amateur Choral Society for some time, although its total inability to sing has meant that they always put it right at the back.  This has upset the Porpoise to such an extent that it often emits a low, depressed bark, resulting in it being placed even further back.  Never mind, Frinty, your day will come.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

new invention

Here we see The Crurge-o-phone, a new invention which distributes wheat to policemen.  How useful this is may be negligible, but according to the inventor, the machine ‘fills a gap in the market.’  But this is not its only function. For yes, it also can fire a selection of Rice Krispies from its stern, creating havoc in libraries and other establishments.  The Crurge-o-phone is available while stocks last, so get your orders in before the year 2023 I would say. 

Wednesday, 1 January 2014


Went to the Antarctic yesterday - thank goodness I took a coat.  Not a lot round there to be honest. There were some penguins but I could have seen them at London Zoo.  Saw some ice pops growing alongside a couple of antarctic rolls.  Weather-wise it is probably a lot better in the summer months.

a nice visit

Yesterday I visited my good friend Gerald Puyyyyyyyyyyyynes (pictured) who runs a chain of plinth suppliers in the North East.  I made the trip by boat, but I must admit it was difficult to row down the motorway. Gerald was mentioned in the New Year's Honours List, although this was in fact a printing error. He is one of the few people I know who has learnt the telephone directory off by heart, his favourite page being 947. To my mind you can't beat page 432 but I didn't want to get into a fight.  As I bade farewell to Gerald, I made a mental note to make a mental note about this later.  Goodbye Gerald, and thank you for being you.