In this week’s barnstorming brouhaha of balderdash, agricultural singer/songwriter Farmer Collins goes more beserker than ever before. There’s an exclusive wait as part of our detective serial which I’ve forgotten the title of, and Kojak tries to get out of Birmingham in his own inimitable style. Despite this, Leighton Buzzard shines forth once again, but do bring a puncture-repair kit just in case.
Monday, 27 July 2015
Monday, 20 July 2015
Dear Dredge - The UK's Foremost Untrained Agony Uncle Attempts To Help You With Your Problems
Dear Dredge
Both my father and my mother have been banjo players since before the war, along with all of my cousins and ancestors. Sadly I am unable to play the instrument despite having had 3,5050461 lessons, and instead I have had to make do with the ukulele. My parents have virtually disowned me and I have been ostracized by a number of ostriches and other members of the local banjo-playing community. What should I do?
Don, Prestwood
Dear Don
Why not disguise the ukulele as a banjo? If anyone asks you why it still sounds like a ukulele, simply change the subject.
Dear Dredge
My husband has decided to hire the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra to mow our lawn. He feels that not only would the large number of people involved help get the task completed more quickly, but they might give us a performance afterwards at no extra cost. We are both fans of classical music and effective gardening, but is this a step too far?
Gladys, Frinton
Dear Gladys
The RPO are not widely known for their lawn mowing skills so it may prove a costly mistake, with the possibility of sheet music left strewn all over the garden. I would recommend you use the Kronos String Quartet instead, as they have excellent horticultural skills, and are happy to give recitals after completing any gardening work. They also take up a lot less room.
Dear Dredge
I am writing a concerto for camels as I believe these magnificent creatures have been ignored by the classical music world for too long. Do you have any advice?
Len, Nahden-on-Sea
Dear Len
Speaking as a composer of concertos for camels myself, I can only applaud this move. However if you do have to give a performance in the desert, make sure you take some suntan lotion with you. I should add that a camelologist friend of mine recently pointed out that camels fear the key of G, so why not write it in A-flat or, if you need more room, A-house.
Dear Dredge is one of the features that can be heard as part of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show on the British Comedy Guide website, or you can listen here:
Both my father and my mother have been banjo players since before the war, along with all of my cousins and ancestors. Sadly I am unable to play the instrument despite having had 3,5050461 lessons, and instead I have had to make do with the ukulele. My parents have virtually disowned me and I have been ostracized by a number of ostriches and other members of the local banjo-playing community. What should I do?
Don, Prestwood
Dear Don
Why not disguise the ukulele as a banjo? If anyone asks you why it still sounds like a ukulele, simply change the subject.
Dear Dredge
My husband has decided to hire the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra to mow our lawn. He feels that not only would the large number of people involved help get the task completed more quickly, but they might give us a performance afterwards at no extra cost. We are both fans of classical music and effective gardening, but is this a step too far?
Gladys, Frinton
Dear Gladys
The RPO are not widely known for their lawn mowing skills so it may prove a costly mistake, with the possibility of sheet music left strewn all over the garden. I would recommend you use the Kronos String Quartet instead, as they have excellent horticultural skills, and are happy to give recitals after completing any gardening work. They also take up a lot less room.
Dear Dredge
I am writing a concerto for camels as I believe these magnificent creatures have been ignored by the classical music world for too long. Do you have any advice?
Len, Nahden-on-Sea
Dear Len
Speaking as a composer of concertos for camels myself, I can only applaud this move. However if you do have to give a performance in the desert, make sure you take some suntan lotion with you. I should add that a camelologist friend of mine recently pointed out that camels fear the key of G, so why not write it in A-flat or, if you need more room, A-house.
Dear Dredge is one of the features that can be heard as part of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show on the British Comedy Guide website, or you can listen here:
Monday, 13 July 2015
The Adventures of Basil The Cylinder
Once upon a time in the not particularly magical land of Completely-Weird-on-Sea, Basil the Cylinder was sitting around doing nothing.
'Oh dear,' he thought, 'this won't make for a very interesting story.'
And so he decided to pay a visit to his old friend Harold the Hexagon who lived among the dunes of rubbish near Haha Hill, Teehee Terrace, Guffaw Grange and Absolutely Killing Myself Avenue. Basil found Harold doing the Geometry Gazette crossword.
'Three down. Properties of squares and rectangles available for sale in the Highgate area. Erm...'
'Hello Harold,' said Basil crosswordinterrupingly. 'How are you today?'
'I'm a bit unsettled, to be honest Basil. You know the Burgon Dispenser I bought the other day? It's gone wrong.'
'Wrong? I don't understand these technical terms.'
'To be more precise, Basil, the Pinnin Valve has become completely unattainable.'
'Ah I see. Well why don't we go to the Burgon Dispenser Repair Shop? It's just round the bend.'
'So's the bloke who's writing this,' said Harold, insultingly as far as I was concerned.
And so Basil and Harold went down Haha Hill, past Teehee Terrace, through Guffaw Grange and along Absolutely Killing Myself Avenue until they came to the Burgon Dispenser Repair Shop. It was shut.
'Oh dear!' said Harold, or words to that effect.
Suddenly before you could say 'Deactivatatronalisation,' which I admit isn't something you're likely to say, into the clearing sprang the evil Gladys The No Shape In Particular!
'Gladys! What do you want? ' said Basil fearfully.
'You can't fool me, you're not Basil Fearfully, you're Basil the Cylinder!' said Gladys. 'Any road, I've come to get my burgon dispenser repaired.'
'I'm afraid the shop is far from open,' said Basil.
'What??? That makes me so angry I'm going to turn you and Harold into a frog!'
'Do you mean you're going to turn me and Harold into one frog, or both of us into separate frogs?'
'Hmm, that sounds a bit complicated. Don't worry, I'll turn you into a frog, and you into a bat.'
'That's no clearer,' continued Basil. 'Are you saying you're going to turn me into a frog and then into a bat later on, or are you referring to me in the first instance and Harold in the second?'
'Oh, never mind!' said Gladys, 'I'll come back when I've figured it out.'
And off she went to be evil somewhere else.
'Well done, Basil!' said Harold. 'Well done!'
'No problem,' said Basil. 'No problem!'
And so, repeating themselves for dramatic emphasis all the way down the hill, Basil and Harold ventured off into the distance in search of more adventures, and the nearest off-licence.
The Adventures of Basil The Cylinder can be heard as part of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show on the British Comedy Guide website. Or you can listen here:
'Oh dear,' he thought, 'this won't make for a very interesting story.'
And so he decided to pay a visit to his old friend Harold the Hexagon who lived among the dunes of rubbish near Haha Hill, Teehee Terrace, Guffaw Grange and Absolutely Killing Myself Avenue. Basil found Harold doing the Geometry Gazette crossword.
'Three down. Properties of squares and rectangles available for sale in the Highgate area. Erm...'
'Hello Harold,' said Basil crosswordinterrupingly. 'How are you today?'
'I'm a bit unsettled, to be honest Basil. You know the Burgon Dispenser I bought the other day? It's gone wrong.'
'Wrong? I don't understand these technical terms.'
'To be more precise, Basil, the Pinnin Valve has become completely unattainable.'
'Ah I see. Well why don't we go to the Burgon Dispenser Repair Shop? It's just round the bend.'
'So's the bloke who's writing this,' said Harold, insultingly as far as I was concerned.
And so Basil and Harold went down Haha Hill, past Teehee Terrace, through Guffaw Grange and along Absolutely Killing Myself Avenue until they came to the Burgon Dispenser Repair Shop. It was shut.
'Oh dear!' said Harold, or words to that effect.
Suddenly before you could say 'Deactivatatronalisation,' which I admit isn't something you're likely to say, into the clearing sprang the evil Gladys The No Shape In Particular!
'Gladys! What do you want? ' said Basil fearfully.
'You can't fool me, you're not Basil Fearfully, you're Basil the Cylinder!' said Gladys. 'Any road, I've come to get my burgon dispenser repaired.'
'I'm afraid the shop is far from open,' said Basil.
'What??? That makes me so angry I'm going to turn you and Harold into a frog!'
'Do you mean you're going to turn me and Harold into one frog, or both of us into separate frogs?'
'Hmm, that sounds a bit complicated. Don't worry, I'll turn you into a frog, and you into a bat.'
'That's no clearer,' continued Basil. 'Are you saying you're going to turn me into a frog and then into a bat later on, or are you referring to me in the first instance and Harold in the second?'
'Oh, never mind!' said Gladys, 'I'll come back when I've figured it out.'
And off she went to be evil somewhere else.
'Well done, Basil!' said Harold. 'Well done!'
'No problem,' said Basil. 'No problem!'
And so, repeating themselves for dramatic emphasis all the way down the hill, Basil and Harold ventured off into the distance in search of more adventures, and the nearest off-licence.
The Adventures of Basil The Cylinder can be heard as part of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show on the British Comedy Guide website. Or you can listen here:
Monday, 6 July 2015
Britain's Most Outspoken Critic Speaks Out
Peter Pilbeam's Hotel Reviews
The Clifftop Hotel, Yarmouth
On entering the lobby, I noticed that the carpet was an unnerving shade of blue, which in my mind conjured up a very disturbing image of a giant blue gorilla. I asked the manager if the carpet could be dyed a less terrifying colour, but he said they had just run out of carpet dye that very morning. Luckily I always carry my own supply in case of such emergencies, although when I offered to sell some to him at a reduced rate he seemed alarmingly uninterested.
I was then shown to my room on the rather unimaginatively named 'first floor.' On entering said room, the first thing that hit me was the cleaner. It later transpired that a review of mine had led to her being let go from a job in a travelodge in Swaffham. I was about to suggest she attend an anger management course, when she smacked me over the head with a breakfast tray. My well-developed critic's eye immediately noticed that the tray had not been properly washed, and I resolved to bring this up with the manager the moment I regained consciousness.
When I did so several hours later, the manager apologised and asked if he could help to make up for this in any way. As it was nearly 8.15 pm I asked him to read me a bedtime story. With no books at his disposal he attempted to improvise a suitable tale, but the unconvincing characters, multiple plot holes and lack of coherent story arc left me more awake than before. With no hope of getting any sleep I decided to dye the carpet a more relaxing and holistically therapeutic shade of pink. Room service arrived with my breakfast the next morning, but instead of fresh fruit they brought me scrambled eggs on toast! Admittedly I had originally ordered this, but I had changed my mind halfway through eating the meal and felt they should have checked accordingly.
Later, as I was putting on my bicycle clips and getting ready to leave, I was heartened to see that my work on the carpet had been discovered, as the staff had all come to show their appreciation by throwing a generous amount of fruit my way, obviously trying to make up for the mistake they'd made at breakfast. However I have to say that I won't be returning to the Clifftop Hotel. Mainly because I've been banned. Thank you.
Peter will be reviewing another hotel as part of this week's edition of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show which can be found on the British Comedy Guide website, or you can listen here!
The Clifftop Hotel, Yarmouth
On entering the lobby, I noticed that the carpet was an unnerving shade of blue, which in my mind conjured up a very disturbing image of a giant blue gorilla. I asked the manager if the carpet could be dyed a less terrifying colour, but he said they had just run out of carpet dye that very morning. Luckily I always carry my own supply in case of such emergencies, although when I offered to sell some to him at a reduced rate he seemed alarmingly uninterested.
I was then shown to my room on the rather unimaginatively named 'first floor.' On entering said room, the first thing that hit me was the cleaner. It later transpired that a review of mine had led to her being let go from a job in a travelodge in Swaffham. I was about to suggest she attend an anger management course, when she smacked me over the head with a breakfast tray. My well-developed critic's eye immediately noticed that the tray had not been properly washed, and I resolved to bring this up with the manager the moment I regained consciousness.
When I did so several hours later, the manager apologised and asked if he could help to make up for this in any way. As it was nearly 8.15 pm I asked him to read me a bedtime story. With no books at his disposal he attempted to improvise a suitable tale, but the unconvincing characters, multiple plot holes and lack of coherent story arc left me more awake than before. With no hope of getting any sleep I decided to dye the carpet a more relaxing and holistically therapeutic shade of pink. Room service arrived with my breakfast the next morning, but instead of fresh fruit they brought me scrambled eggs on toast! Admittedly I had originally ordered this, but I had changed my mind halfway through eating the meal and felt they should have checked accordingly.
Later, as I was putting on my bicycle clips and getting ready to leave, I was heartened to see that my work on the carpet had been discovered, as the staff had all come to show their appreciation by throwing a generous amount of fruit my way, obviously trying to make up for the mistake they'd made at breakfast. However I have to say that I won't be returning to the Clifftop Hotel. Mainly because I've been banned. Thank you.
Peter will be reviewing another hotel as part of this week's edition of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show which can be found on the British Comedy Guide website, or you can listen here!
Monday, 29 June 2015
Is this the world's silliest podcast?
This week sees the return of my comedy podcast series The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show to the British Comedy Guide website. Nobody associated with the show was available for an interview so I decided to talk to myself.
John: Tell me about your podcast, John.
John: I'd rather not.
John: Oh go on. Otherwise this is going to be a really short interview.
John: How much are you willing to pay?
John: Come off it John, you know I'm skint.
John: What? Let me check my wallet. Ah - I see what you mean. All right, what do you want to know?
John: Well, for a start, what exactly is this podcast of yours all about?
John: I can see you've done your research. It's a new six-part series containing spoofs, skits and strangeness, all in a sesame seed bun.
John: What are you on about?
John: No idea.
John: Does the series contain regular characters?
John: You mean people like avant-garde film director David Lynch and agricultural singer/songwriter Farmer Collins?
John: Yes.
John: No.
John: You do seem to get interrupted during the show by The Actor Greg Haiste. What can you tell me about him?
John: Well he's very influenced by Donald Sinden.
John: I'm so sorry - I literally had no idea.
John: That's literally all right. We also literally have a number of exciting serials in the podcast such as The Adventures of Basil The Cylinder.
John: What's on earth's that?
John: Don't ask me, I only write the scripts and appear in it.
John: What do you say to people who claim your show is the world's silliest podcast?
John: Bing ting fning gring ling ping ting ning bing qing zing pling. They usually go away after that.
John: I'm going away after that. John, thank you for talking to yourself.
John: No problem, John.
Episode One of the show can be found on the British Comedy Guide Website, or you can listen to Episode One of Series Four here!
John: Tell me about your podcast, John.
John: I'd rather not.
John: Oh go on. Otherwise this is going to be a really short interview.
John: How much are you willing to pay?
John: Come off it John, you know I'm skint.
John: What? Let me check my wallet. Ah - I see what you mean. All right, what do you want to know?
John: Well, for a start, what exactly is this podcast of yours all about?
John: I can see you've done your research. It's a new six-part series containing spoofs, skits and strangeness, all in a sesame seed bun.
John: What are you on about?
John: No idea.
John: Does the series contain regular characters?
John: You mean people like avant-garde film director David Lynch and agricultural singer/songwriter Farmer Collins?
John: Yes.
John: No.
John: You do seem to get interrupted during the show by The Actor Greg Haiste. What can you tell me about him?
John: Well he's very influenced by Donald Sinden.
John: I'm so sorry - I literally had no idea.
John: That's literally all right. We also literally have a number of exciting serials in the podcast such as The Adventures of Basil The Cylinder.
John: What's on earth's that?
John: Don't ask me, I only write the scripts and appear in it.
John: What do you say to people who claim your show is the world's silliest podcast?
John: Bing ting fning gring ling ping ting ning bing qing zing pling. They usually go away after that.
John: I'm going away after that. John, thank you for talking to yourself.
John: No problem, John.
Episode One of the show can be found on the British Comedy Guide Website, or you can listen to Episode One of Series Four here!
Tuesday, 23 June 2015
comedy podcast update thing
Hello folks hello folks this is John here folks. Series 4 of my silly comedy podcast The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show starts next week and I do hope you might give it a listen, as we’ve been working on this one for several months - it only seems like years. There are tons of strange sketches, peculiar characters and generally odd goings on, and we’ve packed lots of ideas and weirdness into each episode. Much of this is down to producer Richard Cray who is one of the best audio producers out there. I’m not sure exactly where he is, but I do have it on good authority that he’s out there.
The new series includes regular characters such as agricultural singer/songwriter Farmer Collins and avant-garde film director/amateur weather forecaster David Lynch. We must also put up with the return of The Actor Greg Haiste who insists on interrupting whenever he has a new play out, which seems to be every week. There are some fine turns from notably funny folk such as Anil Desai and Max Dowler who provide a host of nutty voices and impressions, Anna Emerson Out Of Sketch Group The Boom Jennies (who appears to be turning into Joyce Grenfell), mad continuity announcer Miles Eady, all-round comedy human James Shakeshaft, and Will Franken, who often ends really long sentences like this one. Katy Slater provides a host of excellent vocal performances an’ all, and I’m in it somewhere or other, possibly both. The whole shebang will be starting on the British Comedy Guide website on June 29th. You can hear Series 1-3 on there now, but not unless you listen to it. Until next we meet, this is me saying goodbye, so long, farewell, and in that order!
Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9RgrzmcZJc
Series 1-3 http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/john_dredge_show/
The new series includes regular characters such as agricultural singer/songwriter Farmer Collins and avant-garde film director/amateur weather forecaster David Lynch. We must also put up with the return of The Actor Greg Haiste who insists on interrupting whenever he has a new play out, which seems to be every week. There are some fine turns from notably funny folk such as Anil Desai and Max Dowler who provide a host of nutty voices and impressions, Anna Emerson Out Of Sketch Group The Boom Jennies (who appears to be turning into Joyce Grenfell), mad continuity announcer Miles Eady, all-round comedy human James Shakeshaft, and Will Franken, who often ends really long sentences like this one. Katy Slater provides a host of excellent vocal performances an’ all, and I’m in it somewhere or other, possibly both. The whole shebang will be starting on the British Comedy Guide website on June 29th. You can hear Series 1-3 on there now, but not unless you listen to it. Until next we meet, this is me saying goodbye, so long, farewell, and in that order!
Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9RgrzmcZJc
Series 1-3 http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/john_dredge_show/
Thursday, 11 June 2015
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