pipe cleaner

Yesterday morning/evening (delete as applicable) I went round to see my neighbour-in-chief Bazil Frintonby as I wanted to borrow one of his pipe cleaners in case I ever took up smoking.  Sadly he had no pipe cleaners to speak of, but instead invited me to borrow a walnut in case I ever took up eating walnuts.  Or indeed, smoking them.  I declined his offer and instead asked for the loan of a Hargoyne as I had seen one in the corner.  Some of you might not know what a Hargoyne is.  At this point his unusually mauve wife Goopton turned up and began screaming something about Birmingham Polytechnic, while throwing sherbet all round the room.  Sensing it was time to leave, I left. Nevertheless without people like Bazil and Goopton, I wouldn't have had anything to do yesterday morning/evening (delete as applicable).

nice mention in The Guardian/Observer today

Got a nice mention in The Guardian today, hope you might give my show a listen! x

http://www.theguardian.com/culture/gallery/2014/jan/18/10-best-lesser-known-podcasts-miranda-sawyer#/?picture=427274207&index=6

artichoke

Today I interviewed the head of the leading provider of artichokes for the whole of North-West Frinton, Brian Bnbgz, named after a spelling mistake.

JOHN: Brian, thanks for taking the time to speak to me today.
BRIAN: Have an artichoke.
JOHN: Tell me Brian, in your view what makes a really good artichoke?
BRIAN: Well, to me it needs to be the exact opposite of a really bad one.
JOHN:  And how many artichokes do you provide to the folk of North-West Frinton on a daily basis?
BRIAN: Approximately two.
JOHN: That doesn't sound like very many.
BRIAN: I wouldn't say that - for the people who only have one artichoke it represents twice as many.
JOHN: What are your plans for the future, Brian?
BRIAN: Well I'm hoping to be the first man in space.
JOHN: Er...Yuri Gagarin was the first man in space.
BRIAN: I'll be the second one then.
JOHN:  Did you know that the first pop star in space was his daughter, Lady Gagarin?
BRIAN: Have an artichoke.
JOHN: Any final words for your fans, Brian?
BRIAN: I've got some penultimate ones, will they do?
JOHN: Not really.
BRIAN: Oh dear.
JOHN: You genuinely don't have any final words at all?
BRIAN:
JOHN:  Brian Bnbgz, thank you very much.

Brian Bnbgz appears by kind permission of a tree.  I've no idea why - I didn't like to ask.

 

teatray news

Yesterday at round or about 3.22pm and 3 seconds(approx) I noticed a teatray in the street.  Concerned for it's welfare, I immediately phoned the Teatray Bureau three months later.  Since then I'm glad to say that since then the tray has been returned to its worried owner since then.  But here now is a run-down of the regular Teatray Bureau staff in case you have a similar occurrence:

Ron Ligtonbyyy - Chief Teatray Scuttler
If your teatray needs scuttling, Ron's your man.  If you don't, leave him alone - he gets enough hassle as it is.

Timothy Ohns - Teatray Information Gathererer
Timothy houses, harbours and harvests a plethora of non-valuable teatray information.  Why not give him a call using some sort of phone?

Gladys Tinp - Teatray Decongealer
If your teatray is, was, or has been congealing due to the recent happenings, Gladys can help you at a reduced rate.  As well as bags of congealment knowledge, she is also a fully qualified Trekkie (Nimoy Award).

Contact them today and render YOUR teatray collection viable before it's too late.

inventor news

Today is the anniversary of the invention of the armchair by Terence Quang of Leeds. Apparently he came up with the idea because he was fed up with sitting on the floor.  He also invented the Biscuit Tin Firing Cannon which didn't catch on in the same way.  Thanks to the armchair, however, Terence became a rich man, as until very recently anyone using an armchair had to pay him a royalty.  Failure to pay would result in Quang turning up, often unannounced, with his Biscuit Tin Firing Cannon.  He would threaten to fire the least appetising flavours at non-paying users without a moment's hesitation.  Quang died at the end of his life when one of his own armchairs collapsed in on him.  He was 93. He was also dead.

sporting news

Yesterday I took part in the British Plinth Hoisting Championships which, due to lack of funds, took place in New Malden Central Car park.  There was certainly a good turn out. Or we thought there was until we realised all the cars were there to visit the Sainsbury's next door.  There were five competitors give or take two or three - in other words, me and a man called Len.  Len had been hoisting plinths all his life and thus had far more experience.  He was able to hoist a particularly large wooden plinth several feet off the ground using a complex series of ropes and pulleys, whereas I had bargained on using a Plinth Hoister which I had picked up in Woolworth's a few years ago.  Sadly it fell to bits as I got it out of the box.  Len was thus crowned the winner and celebrated in time honoured fashion by doing nothing whatsoever.  Bravo, Len!      

new video from my double act King Dredge (Andy King and meself.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDNFb-HX9Rk

New video from KING DREDGE!

All the latest things!