The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show

Don't forget folks, three series of my mad podcast are available for free on the British Comedy Guide website!

Here's what Miranda Sawyer said in The Observer... 

"If you like your comedy more surreal, more out-there, more bat-shit ding-dong (technical term), then may I recommend John Dredge? I've mentioned his Nothing to Do With Anything Show before, and I'm doing it again, mostly because I admire the way he ploughs his own furrow and ploughs it so deep he's like a man digging his own grave. There is such madness and care in this show! Sound effects, silly lines, layer upon layer of daftness, the only show it vaguely reminds me of is David Quantick's Blagger's Guide, just in the way it requires you to keep up with every line. Last week's show had Frank Sinatra on a walking tour of Scotland and also phoning an elephant. Oh, just listen."

Here's what other people said....

'The funniest most imaginative comedy I have heard in years' Goodpodcasts.com

'Deserves an award' David Hepworth, The Guardian

'Web wonder of the week' Bruce Dessau, Evening Standard

'Superbly strange' - Such Small Portions

‘Not to be missed’ Daily Chuckle Online

Radio Times Podcast of the Week

Chortle Podcast of the Week

And here it is folks! (link below!)

http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/john_dredge_show/

For further info contact me on Twitter: @johndredge

hope you might vote for my comedy sketch

King Dredge (Andy King and I) are on the longlist for a British Comedy Guide award - hope you might give us a vote!  The link is here:

http://www.comedy.co.uk/bca/video/93/


Many thanks for your time folks!xxx
mANY T

silly film things that are stupid

I have joined forces with comedy performer writer person Andy King to form a double act known therein as King Dredge.  Here's our silly YouTube channel which contains:

Information on exploding fishcakes
The shortest sketch ever
Strangely silly silent films
Quizzes
Cartoons
Jokes
No plinths at all


https://www.youtube.com/user/TheKingDredge

Year of the Bus

According to Transport For London, 2014 is the Year of the Bus, building on 2013’s Day of the Bus (now a major horror film).  A small scale ‘Bus Olympics’ will be held to commemorate this, featuring sports such as Throwing The Bus (difficult), Catching The Bus (more difficult) and the more familiar Running For The Bus (exhausting). 

The very first bus was constructed in stone age times, as reported in the prehistoric newspaper, The Stone Age Times.  Sadly this was before the wheel was invented, so the prototype bus was unable to move. 

Early buses carried few passengers until bus stops were introduced, by which time the queues were virtually unmanageable.  Thanks must go to the conductors of the time, who wrote many popular symphonies about the problem. 

In later years buses were mainly coloured red, and up until now nobody knows the reason why.  But after months of research I can now exclusively reveal that I don’t know the reason why either. 

Many unusual buses were introduced as time went on such as the Custard-Driven Bus, which was built to save on petrol, although it was soon taken out of commission when it was discovered that it didn’t work.   

Buses have been the inspiration for many great films and television shows over the years, as well as ITV’s On The Buses.

We may take them for granted, but if they were ever to disappear, buses would certainly be missed.  I missed one on the way to work this morning.

am on Resonance 104.4FM this Saturday, you see.

Tune in for an hour of music and madness with me on Resonance 104.4FM this Saturday at 2.30pm, and then two other Saturdays after that.  Then after that particular Saturday there won't be any more.  So just to be clear, there's a show on this Saturday which is tomorrow unless you are reading this tomorrow in which case it's today.  Then there's another show the Saturday after that which again is very much a similar scenario to what I just said there.  Finally the next week, also on the Saturday, is another show which follows on from the previous two shows that were also on, and then after that there isn't another one as by then something else will be on.  For more information contact Ceefax.

An Exclusive Interview With Rock Legend Rex Twix, as Nobody Else Wanted to Interview Him

A fortnight ago last Thursday week, I spoke to rock icon Rex Twix about his new album 'Pinkety Ponkety.'

Rex, can you tell me about the lyrics - you've said before that you have to wait a long time for the lyrics to come to you.
Yes, my lyricist lives in Egypt and he insists on sending them by post.

So you don't write the lyrics yourself?
No, but I do read them myself. I can't afford to hire a lyric reader these days. Actually, some of the words are mine - 'prism,' 'clock' and 'washboard' for example. Since then two more words have come to me, which I'm hoping to use on the next album.

How does this album differ from the last one?
Well on the last album we used bass guitar here and there. On this album we only used it here - we didn't want it there. We were trying to create a feeling of musical deactivatatronalisationalism.

What's that?
I've no idea so I don't know if we managed to create it or not.

It's a very dark album.
That's because we recorded it in a dark room with dark instruments - brown drums, grey guitars. When we saw a yellow piano in the studio we had it removed.

Who by?
Yellow Piano Removers Ltd. They're in the book.

There are some rather unusual sounds on the album, aren't there?
It depends what you mean by 'there are some rather unusual sounds on the album, aren't there?' But on one track I did want the sound of a biscuit tin being thrown off the Eiffel Tower, so we actually built a life-size replica of the Eiffel Tower in the studio and threw a biscuit tin off it.

And that gave you the desired effect?
No.

Some people have said in the past that you're a bit of a contradictory character, would you agree with that?
Definitely not, yes.

Are you difficult to work with, do you think?
Well, you'd have to ask my producer.

He's just killed himself.
I'm very sorry to hear that. It means I've got to find another producer.

It has to be said that some of the tracks on the album are difficult to listen to.
Well we recorded some of them over thirty miles away from the studio microphones, so they are almost impossible to hear. But I wanted to experiment with long distance recording. I think of my approach as experimental, with the emphasis on 'mental' and less on 'experi.'

Your voice is sounding better than ever, although previously it's always sounded appalling and now it only sounds bad.
Thank you very much.

I listened to the whole album at the press launch - was it as hard to make as it is to listen to?
The more you listen to an album like this, the more you get out of it.

I wish I'd been able to get out of it.
I understand.

Do you have any final words for your fans?
Sorry, what was that?
Do you have any final words for your fans?
Yes - 'porpoise,' 'conglomerate' and 'mahogany.' I might use them on my next album.

If you'd like to find out more about the new album by Rex Twix, we advise you to seek medical help. Rex can occasionally be heard on The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show which can be found here:  http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/john_dredge_show/

A Tribute to Silent Films of the Past and the Things That Happened That Were to Do With Them

I have always been interested in silent films, particularly those with no sound. The silence in these films has had a profound influence on our society, not only on how libraries are run, but also on the invention of the Quiet Zone, found on some of our most popular train services.

According to a special report, 70% of silent films have either been completely lost, partly lost, or are scheduled to be lost. This is a great shame. As a noted film critic commented recently: 'This is a great shame.'

The first ever silent film was two seconds long and instantly won the Cannes Jury Prize for Best First Ever Silent Film.

Music was used to accompany these films, often on piano, Linn Drum or Fogophone. The Fogophone was an unusual instrument that made strange but effective musical noises which scientists later discovered resembled the mating call of the gannet. Cinemas later stopped using the Fogophone after a spate of violent gannet attacks.

Before colours were discovered, silent films were shown in black and white. One was shown entirely in black, but this was deemed an unsuccessful experiment as no one could see anything. As a film critic commented at the time: 'I can't see anything.' Silent comedies became extremely popular, especially when in 1902 actor Hilary Pratt first slapped someone with a stick. Thus was coined the well-known phrase: 'film violence.'

Silent films disappeared when sound was made in 1925, and the era went the way of so many other eras of that era. Of course, silence is still used in films to this day, mainly between words or phrases, or when nothing much is going on.  Long live silence and also films as well.

The last in the series of my mad comedy podcasts is now online you see

Series 3, Episode 6: It'll take a lorry load of dynamite to stop us - and that's exactly what this week's episode provides. We also have several less than special guests, each bringing something to the table in their own inimitable style. But where are the chairs? Is it standing room only? Will the fuzz duck win through? And, if so, win through what? Tune in and find out in tonight's concluding audiotronic showdown... before it's too late!Go here to listen!
http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/john_dredge_show/

Episode 5 of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show is now online for YOU

Series 3, Episode 5: An exciting detective serial doesn't kick off this week's programme. In fact, the serial comes slightly later into the show than you might think, although just how far in you think it is I have no idea. Never mind, though, as artichokes are very much to the fore tonight, along with classic U-boats and sundry assorted burgon dispensers. Ka-pow! Here's the link YOU need!
http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/john_dredge_show/

Episode 4 of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show now online folks

Series 3, Episode 4: Biscuits! Ever wondered what space aliens get up to in Frinton? No?!? Then here's your chance to find out! Coming to you directly from our Pebble Mill studios, this week's mellifluous montage of music and movement comes to you directly from our Mebble Pill studios. For your free World of Twig Harper Magazine, please see press for details. Failing that, ask Jill at the front desk for one and see how far it gets you. Hosted by the British Comedy Guide, here's the link you need! http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/john_dredge_show/

Episode 3 of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show now online!

Series 3, Episode 3: This week, The Actor Greg Haiste emerges from enforced retirement with self-penned material and receives short shrift, which becomes shorter and shriftier as time goes on. We also bring you not-at-all-acclaimed Trip Advisor contributor Peter Pilbeam as he reviews another hotel or something. Plus David Lynch showcases his unique control of the weather, despite receiving even shorter shrift than The Actor Greg Haiste. Fair do's, though, fair do's.  

Hosted by the British Comedy Guide website – here’s the link you need! 
http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/john_dredge_show/

Episode 2 of the new series of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show now online!

To the lilting strains of your friendly neighbourhood fuzz duck, we gather another episode while we may. In this week’s barnstorming bonanza of balderdash, Farmer Collins is on hand with a new yet unimproved agricultural song, and Terry Medford has trouble with his slippers. Plus, in Part Two, you can hear both Parts Three and Four for a limited time only. In fact, the limited time is now up, which shows you just how limited time can be.

Hosted by the British Comedy Guide website – here’s the link you need! 

http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/john_dredge_show/series3_2/

new series of comedy podcasts now online

An insanely silly comedy podcast series featuring strange skits, surreal spoofs and sublime sound effects, from the peculiar minds of radiophonic personage John Dredge and his producer sidekick Richard Cray. With frankly baffling guest appearances from Anna Emerson, Greg Haiste, James Shakeshaft, Mark Davison and Katy Slater, the show delivers 20 minutes of continuous audio weirdness and deranged sonic hi-jinks direct from the ether, like.

"Podcast heaven", Bruce Dessau, Evening Standard. "Some of the funniest, most imaginative comedy I have heard in years", GoodPodcasts.com

Series 3, Episode 1: In today's opening salvo of stuff, we bring you up-to-the-minute Shoe Shop News from the actual owners of a shoe shop. Avant-garde film-maker and amateur weather forecaster David Lynch turns up uninvited yet again, and there's a game show the like of which you've never heard before or since - but who is in the soundproof booth? And what of Basil the Cylinder? Tune in and find out, holdall fans!

The series is hosted online by the British Comedy Guide website and here's a link to the show!
http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/john_dredge_show/

new podcast series which is a bit weird and bonkers you see

Coming soon, in fact next Tuesday, it’s the brand new crackpot third series of The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show. Brought to you by the British Comedy Guide in association with Others Ltd, it includes strange skits, fractured features and splendiferous sounds. Tune into your internets on 22nd April and hear things in a podcastular way.
‘Never knowingly undersilly’ – Great Missenden Twig Society.

new series of mad comedy podcasts coming soon folks

New series of my weird wacky nutty and oddball comedy podcasts coming soon...stay tuned for further updates...

What Your Mother Never Told You About Middle Class Englishmen

New video from King Dredge...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzFKXDcLVd0

archbishops etc

Last yesterday I was sitting very much within my abode-residence when I realised that The Archbishop of Canterbury was loitering in the lounge.  When I enquired why he was trespassing in this way he said he was the Archbishop of Canterbury and could do what he liked.  He then told me in no uncertain terms that 'Come Dine With Me' was on at any minute and no way would he leave until he had watched it.  Fearing for his sanity, I recommended a local doctor.  Surprisingly pleased with this suggestion, The Archbishop shook my hand and offered me the use of Canterbury whenever I needed it.  An unusual evening, then, but one not without its Archbishop of Canterburys.

ironing etc

Yesterday(yesterday) I visited the Museum of Ironing Boards in West Northeastshire. They had ironing boards the like of which I had never seen before or since.  One ironing board was made out of old mattresses which meant that the ironee could have a quick kip afterwards. Another board was balanced on a tightrope several miles above the ground to give the ironing experience a sense of danger.  Never had I seen such an ironic display.  I certainly recommend the museum if you are studying ironing, and further details can be gleaned from visiting www.the-museum-of-ironing-boards-in-west-northeastshire.co.uk.com.org.ac.uk..com.co.com.com.dot.com.yesterday.com.com.





      

Relax and meditate with this new video from my double act - King Dredge!

Relax and meditate with this new video from my double act - King Dredge!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-f4ETbt8_aY

Clogs etc

Yesterday morning, or was it last year (I can never remember), I went to Tim Fotheringale's mother's uncle's neighbour's father's house.  It was nice to see Tim's mother's uncle's neighbour's father again, as he has been a good friend to me since I was a thing.  He is a charming host, despite his tendency to throw biscuit tins at my head.  He has been to see the doctor about this, who told him to leave as he kept throwing biscuit tins at his head as well.  All in all, he keeps throwing biscuit tins at people's heads.

What I really wanted to ask him about was his experience of clog dancing, which I am studying at Weirdshoe University.  Kindly, he told me everything he knew about it, although only in Morse Code so, as he said, the information wouldn't 'fall into the wrong feet.'  I knew very little in the way of Morse, so decided to stop off at the local Code Cracking Centre on the way home. They were shut.  Ah well, such is the way of the world and other similar places such as Bolton, and of course, Weybridge.    

pipe cleaner

Yesterday morning/evening (delete as applicable) I went round to see my neighbour-in-chief Bazil Frintonby as I wanted to borrow one of his pipe cleaners in case I ever took up smoking.  Sadly he had no pipe cleaners to speak of, but instead invited me to borrow a walnut in case I ever took up eating walnuts.  Or indeed, smoking them.  I declined his offer and instead asked for the loan of a Hargoyne as I had seen one in the corner.  Some of you might not know what a Hargoyne is.  At this point his unusually mauve wife Goopton turned up and began screaming something about Birmingham Polytechnic, while throwing sherbet all round the room.  Sensing it was time to leave, I left. Nevertheless without people like Bazil and Goopton, I wouldn't have had anything to do yesterday morning/evening (delete as applicable).

nice mention in The Guardian/Observer today

Got a nice mention in The Guardian today, hope you might give my show a listen! x

http://www.theguardian.com/culture/gallery/2014/jan/18/10-best-lesser-known-podcasts-miranda-sawyer#/?picture=427274207&index=6

artichoke

Today I interviewed the head of the leading provider of artichokes for the whole of North-West Frinton, Brian Bnbgz, named after a spelling mistake.

JOHN: Brian, thanks for taking the time to speak to me today.
BRIAN: Have an artichoke.
JOHN: Tell me Brian, in your view what makes a really good artichoke?
BRIAN: Well, to me it needs to be the exact opposite of a really bad one.
JOHN:  And how many artichokes do you provide to the folk of North-West Frinton on a daily basis?
BRIAN: Approximately two.
JOHN: That doesn't sound like very many.
BRIAN: I wouldn't say that - for the people who only have one artichoke it represents twice as many.
JOHN: What are your plans for the future, Brian?
BRIAN: Well I'm hoping to be the first man in space.
JOHN: Er...Yuri Gagarin was the first man in space.
BRIAN: I'll be the second one then.
JOHN:  Did you know that the first pop star in space was his daughter, Lady Gagarin?
BRIAN: Have an artichoke.
JOHN: Any final words for your fans, Brian?
BRIAN: I've got some penultimate ones, will they do?
JOHN: Not really.
BRIAN: Oh dear.
JOHN: You genuinely don't have any final words at all?
BRIAN:
JOHN:  Brian Bnbgz, thank you very much.

Brian Bnbgz appears by kind permission of a tree.  I've no idea why - I didn't like to ask.

 

teatray news

Yesterday at round or about 3.22pm and 3 seconds(approx) I noticed a teatray in the street.  Concerned for it's welfare, I immediately phoned the Teatray Bureau three months later.  Since then I'm glad to say that since then the tray has been returned to its worried owner since then.  But here now is a run-down of the regular Teatray Bureau staff in case you have a similar occurrence:

Ron Ligtonbyyy - Chief Teatray Scuttler
If your teatray needs scuttling, Ron's your man.  If you don't, leave him alone - he gets enough hassle as it is.

Timothy Ohns - Teatray Information Gathererer
Timothy houses, harbours and harvests a plethora of non-valuable teatray information.  Why not give him a call using some sort of phone?

Gladys Tinp - Teatray Decongealer
If your teatray is, was, or has been congealing due to the recent happenings, Gladys can help you at a reduced rate.  As well as bags of congealment knowledge, she is also a fully qualified Trekkie (Nimoy Award).

Contact them today and render YOUR teatray collection viable before it's too late.

inventor news

Today is the anniversary of the invention of the armchair by Terence Quang of Leeds. Apparently he came up with the idea because he was fed up with sitting on the floor.  He also invented the Biscuit Tin Firing Cannon which didn't catch on in the same way.  Thanks to the armchair, however, Terence became a rich man, as until very recently anyone using an armchair had to pay him a royalty.  Failure to pay would result in Quang turning up, often unannounced, with his Biscuit Tin Firing Cannon.  He would threaten to fire the least appetising flavours at non-paying users without a moment's hesitation.  Quang died at the end of his life when one of his own armchairs collapsed in on him.  He was 93. He was also dead.

sporting news

Yesterday I took part in the British Plinth Hoisting Championships which, due to lack of funds, took place in New Malden Central Car park.  There was certainly a good turn out. Or we thought there was until we realised all the cars were there to visit the Sainsbury's next door.  There were five competitors give or take two or three - in other words, me and a man called Len.  Len had been hoisting plinths all his life and thus had far more experience.  He was able to hoist a particularly large wooden plinth several feet off the ground using a complex series of ropes and pulleys, whereas I had bargained on using a Plinth Hoister which I had picked up in Woolworth's a few years ago.  Sadly it fell to bits as I got it out of the box.  Len was thus crowned the winner and celebrated in time honoured fashion by doing nothing whatsoever.  Bravo, Len!      

new video from my double act King Dredge (Andy King and meself.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDNFb-HX9Rk

New video from KING DREDGE!

All the latest things!

quiz about Great Missenden

1. Great Missenden is known for its
a. Clocks
b. Emus, dogs and bats
c. More clocks

2. The most famous person ever to have come out of Great Missenden is
a. The King of Prussia
b. Bernard someone
c. Dead

3. Great Missenden has one car park.  Is this
a. True
2. False
iii. Neither

4. Prior to expansion, Great Missenden was called
b. Little Missenden
d. Even Smaller Than That Missenden
a. Microscopic Missenden

5.  This quiz is about
a. Great Missenden
b. Emus dogs and bats
c. To finish

Answers at the end of the year, Missenden fans!

a lot of people

A lot of people ask me if I've ever been visited by a series of giant crayons.  This has in fact happened to me slightly more than seven times.  In other words, eight times.  The first visitation took place on St Dustbin's Day - the day when all the villagers gather round the nearest dustbin and sing songs of puzzlement such as 'Why Are We Standing Round This Dustbin,' and 'Twas on St Dustbin's Day I Got Really Annoyed.'
But to return to the subject in hand (bacofoil), giant crayons have never bothered me unduly. Indeed, they can be immensely useful, particularly if you have a giant unfinished drawing hanging about.
I hope the matter can now be laid to rest, giant crayon fans.

poetry facts

One of the most not very good poets of all time was Noges Tinpptonby (not pictured). Despite concentrating on writing poems for over 50 years, he only completed three.  One was over 700 pages long, but he lost it. Another one fell down the back of the sofa where it remained forgotten until it was eaten by his pesky dog, Noncat.  His third and final poem remains intact, which he wrote using his favourite fountain pencil:

Poem About Things
Now I see
That this poem might be
A bit too weird
Tis as I feared
And that is how it has appeared
To be
To me
See?
Three
Is the number of poems I have written so far
Ah!
I hope I will write more
Possibly four
Or even five
Unless by that time I am no longer alive.

He died shortly after completing this poem, and never wrote again.  His poem lives on, although he may well have have preferred it the other way round.

another nice visit

Took the train to New Malden to visit my old friend Donald Quotttson (see pic). Donald has a very interesting job which involves attaching twigs to pebbles but apparently it is all very hush-hush.  No further information was gleaned about this, despite using my brand new gleaning equipment.  Donald is also one of New Malden's leading sound effects collectors, and he played me the only known recording of a biscuit tin being fired from a cannon into a vat of mungbeans. He's come a long way since his collection consisted of 'door opening' and 'man on horse.'  Donald and I had a lovely chat about the old days, concentrating on the proterozoic era. Then sadly it was time to go, and with a cheery wave I bade him farewell, got in his car and drove home. Apparently he wants it back. So much for friendship.  

fan club news

Interested in holdalls? Then why not join The Great Missenden Holdall Fan Club.  Now based in Plymouth due to eviction, and unable to afford new headed notepaper, the club retains its original name for traditional reasons. When you join the GMHFC you'll receive

A picture of a holdall
An audio recording of a holdall
A photo of someone who used to have a holdall
A twig (optional)

Just send £5 with an additional £50,000 and not only will you become a full member, you'll also..erm...actually that's it.

For further information, contact The Further Information Society on a number.

new pop group

Here we see new pop sensation The Flipcharts from Haversack, Stiltshire.  They met during a polevaulting tournament and decided to form a band to write solely about this underrated sport.  Since then many of their songs have been used at major polevaulting events and some of the smaller ones as well.  The middle-sized ones have been ignored for some reason.  Whether examining the pole itself or looking at the actual vaulting process, their songwriting is certainly focused.  The band members cannot be named for copyright reasons, suffice it to say that when their pop caterwauling begins, no man is safe from sheer audio turmoil.

The Frinton Porpoise

This is the Frinton Porpoise, so called because

a. It comes from Frinton and

b. It is a porpoise.

It spends its days swimming, eating, and pondering the meaning of Dermot O’Leary’s success in an ever-declining world.  Voted Top Porpoise by the NME in 1947, this natty creature has been involved in the Frinton Amateur Choral Society for some time, although its total inability to sing has meant that they always put it right at the back.  This has upset the Porpoise to such an extent that it often emits a low, depressed bark, resulting in it being placed even further back.  Never mind, Frinty, your day will come.

new invention

Here we see The Crurge-o-phone, a new invention which distributes wheat to policemen.  How useful this is may be negligible, but according to the inventor, the machine ‘fills a gap in the market.’  But this is not its only function. For yes, it also can fire a selection of Rice Krispies from its stern, creating havoc in libraries and other establishments.  The Crurge-o-phone is available while stocks last, so get your orders in before the year 2023 I would say. 

travel

Went to the Antarctic yesterday - thank goodness I took a coat.  Not a lot round there to be honest. There were some penguins but I could have seen them at London Zoo.  Saw some ice pops growing alongside a couple of antarctic rolls.  Weather-wise it is probably a lot better in the summer months.

a nice visit

Yesterday I visited my good friend Gerald Puyyyyyyyyyyyynes (pictured) who runs a chain of plinth suppliers in the North East.  I made the trip by boat, but I must admit it was difficult to row down the motorway. Gerald was mentioned in the New Year's Honours List, although this was in fact a printing error. He is one of the few people I know who has learnt the telephone directory off by heart, his favourite page being 947. To my mind you can't beat page 432 but I didn't want to get into a fight.  As I bade farewell to Gerald, I made a mental note to make a mental note about this later.  Goodbye Gerald, and thank you for being you.