Tuesday, 19 December 2023

Chapter One of my new book entitled 'Eric.'

      Eric pondered. This was not the first time he had done so. It was the second.  He pondered on the point of his existence for a good half-hour but, unable to come to any conclusions, made off to the car park.  Eric didn’t actually own a car, so the nearest he got to it was observing other cars, and the local car park was therefore a positive boon. This had become a regular hobby for him along with stamp-collecting, harmonica playing, and Star Trek.  Eric then bumped into his next-door neighbour, Mrs Vonk.

     ‘Where are you going?’  

    ‘To yonder car park’ replied Eric, not entirely sure why he had used the word ‘yonder.’  Nevertheless, he strode on.  He knew what she was like.

      On reaching the car park, Eric walked both up and down, and made a note of several of the registration numbers for his collection.  Just then a man emerged from one of the cars and began to walk towards him. The man appeared to be dressed as a policeman.

     ‘Good afternoon, sir’ he said. ‘I am a policeman.’

     ‘That explains it,’ thought Eric.

     ‘Have you seen a suspicious character round here wearing a green top hat?’  

     ‘No – not since yesterday anyway,’ replied Eric.  

     ‘Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm’ said the policeman, using far too many ‘m’s.  ‘Did you notice what type of green top hat he was wearing?’

     ‘From a distance it looked like a 1962 style green top hat.’

     ‘That can’t be him then – we’re looking for someone with a 1963 style green top hat.’

      The policeman left the scene, somewhat annoyed at being written out of the story.  Eric continued to walk around the car park, viewing the various vehicles and noting down things of no interest. He was determined to publish the definitive book about car parks, despite the discouragement of several major publishers. Just then, a man called Simon emerged from one of the cars. Simon looked around warily before getting back in the car and driving off, never to return. So much for Simon.

      Eric sat in the car park and began to eat his sandwiches. This was a good day. Or it would have been if a large biscuit tin hadn’t bounced off his head.

     ‘What do you think you’re doing sitting there having your sandwiches?’

     It was his brother, Colin.

     ‘If you don’t come back to the house now, I’ll smash your face in!’

     They had never got on.

      Colin was tall, thin and loathsome.  He always dressed entirely in mauve, which he claimed made him stand out.  

     ‘Why can’t I sit out here in the car park?’ asked Eric.

     ‘Because it’s time for you to make my lunch,’ argued Colin. ‘And I demand Bovril.’

     Colin had never learnt how to make lunch, but he certainly knew of Bovril (although for a while he thought it was Marmite).  They made their way back to the house. Eric looked over the fence at Mrs Vonk, who was making something. 

    ‘What are you making, Mrs Vonk?’

     ‘I’ll know what it is when I’ve finished,’ she replied confidently, yet with a hint of fear.

      Colin ushered Eric inside and demanded a Bovril sandwich ‘with radishes in it.’

     ‘We haven’t got any radishes,’ Eric protested.

     ‘What is this, No Radish Day?’ countered Colin, knowing full well that it was.

      Eric entered the dimly-lit house.

     ‘What is it with all this dim lighting?’ asked Colin.  

     ‘The house is in such poor condition it’s best if you can’t see it,’ said Eric. 

      Eric made Colin's lunch and then decided to go to work.   He set off for the office. He then arrived at the office.

     ‘That was quick’ he thought.

      Eric was not popular with his boss, nor with his work colleagues, nor indeed with anyone else. He was, all things considered, unpopular.  Eric sat at his desk and pondered – something at which he was becoming increasingly adept.  Now what was it he did again? He consulted his colleagues, who seemed to be of no help, so he just sat there.

     ‘Don’t just sit there!’ thundered the boss.

     Eric worked in a very ordinary sort of office, which was why he was surprised when a piano fell through the ceiling.    

    ‘Whose piano is that??’ shouted the boss, enraged by this distraction.

     ‘It belongs to Mr Grundfos-Jones,’ answered an employee.

     ‘Eric, you’re not doing anything, go and get him NOW!’ shouted the boss, using capital letters at the end.

          Eric wandered up the stairs to the office above and assumed the knocking-on-the-door position that had seen him open so many doors in the past. Three sharp knocks were all that were needed before the door opened. Things were looking up.  

     ‘Yes?’ said Grundfos-Jones.

     ‘Did your piano fall through the office ceiling just now?’

     ‘That's right – what of it?’

     ‘The boss wants to talk to you.’

     ‘What about?’

      This was proving more difficult than he had thought.

     ‘The boss wants to ask you why your piano fell through the ceiling.’

     ‘Tell him it’s none of his business.’

     ‘But it IS his business. And your piano just fell through his ceiling. ’

     'All right all right, keep your hair on.  I'll get a cloth.'

       Eric and Grundfos-Jones made the long slow descent down the stairs before entering the hallowed quarters of the boss.

     ‘Now look here Grundfos-Jones, why did your piano fall through my office ceiling this morning?’

     ‘I’m not sure.’

     'Well find out!'

     'Very well sir, I'll employ a piano consultant to look into it.'

     Eric sighed sighingly. It had been a peculiar morning.  He sat at his desk again, at which point a second piano fell through the ceiling and landed directly on top of it. Eric made a mental note to ask for another desk.  Fed up with pianos falling through the ceiling, he decided to take the rest of the day off. What should he do? Spend the afternoon shooting the breeze at the dry cleaners? Visit the Petroleum Museum? Or simply sit in the middle of the office floor meditating? No, that hadn’t ended well last time, and so he walked over to the local park, where he saw the local park keeper.

     ‘Morning Donald,’ he said.

     ‘My name’s Nigel.’

     ‘Ah, I was getting you mixed up with Bernard.’

     ‘Bernard?’

     ‘Yes, I often call him Donald by mistake as well.’

     ‘What do you want?’

     ‘Oh er – nothing.’

     ‘Then here it is,’ said the Park Keeper, handing him a large empty bag. Eric took it and walked on. He knew when he wasn’t wanted, which was all the time.   

     ‘All right?’ asked a passing squirrel.

     ‘Er – yes thank you’ replied Eric, slightly startled.

     ‘What’s the matter – haven’t you ever seen a talking squirrel before?’

     Eric suddenly felt rather foolish.

     ‘Having a good day?’ the squirrel asked.

     ‘Not really. A piano nearly fell on me.’

     ‘Well at least it missed you.’

     Eric was nonplussed. How to continue this squirrular conversation?

     ‘Another piano nearly fell on me shortly afterwards.’

     The squirrel moved away.  

     Eric left the park and wandered back to his house. Inspired by his nature-filled jaunt, he decided to plant an elm tree in the garden. Unfortunately, the nearest elm tree shop was four hundred miles away, but undaunted, he decided to take the bus.

 


book

 I'm going to post the first chapter of my book on here. Then if anyone is interested I'll write the second chapter....

Friday, 24 March 2023

JOHN DREDGE & THE BALCONY SHIRTS BAND release debut single


JOHN DREDGE & THE BALCONY SHIRTS BAND release debut single ‘Double Agent Working Alone’ on Friday March 24th.  
    

  

Listen to them…     

Listen to them…      

     

Double Agent Working Alone is a joyously catchy two-minute guitar-pop song conceived as a homage to the stylish spy thrillers of the sixties.  The video also evokes memories of cinematic espionage, with the inclusion of a secret message and a mysterious multi-story car park.       

     

The group was formed when singer/lyricist John Dredge met guitarist/producer/shop owner Scott Balcony in the Balcony Shirts garment printing and embroidery shop, deep in the heart of Uxbridge.  Bassist Chris Taylor, additional guitarist Leigh Heggarty and drummer Bob Burgons were quickly recruited from the shop staff, and the debut single was actually recorded there despite constant interruptions from the customers.  But what a result!  Shop-based pop at its finest.    

      

Streaming Link: https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/johndredgeandthebalconyshirtsband/double-agent-working-alone

 

YouTube Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGYHgnKM2k0

 

The Balcony Shirts shop site https://www.balconyshirts.co.uk/

 

@johndredge


Monday, 19 August 2019

New guitar pop EP by John Dredge and The Plinths out today!

Today we release a new EP of guitar pop songs for the bewildered…
John Dredge & The Plinths - The Plinthsmania EP!
'Idiots Run The World' is the new and incontestably truthful lead track from John Dredge and The Plinths - it's the perfect encapsulation of the world today, where "self-serving politicians lead the way into chaos and corruption". The accompanying video, created by the award winning Popaisy Design, sees John Dredge taking over from world figures including Donald Trump, Kim Jong-un, Boris Johnson and that bloke whose entire family came into the room while he was on BBC News.
It's out now as part of 'The Plinthsmania EP', the very third release from the band after their debut 'Emergency EP' and recent 'Pancake Day' single which was championed by Paul Ross and Iain Lee on Talk Radio. Other songs deal with the need for nostalgia, the easy answers of social media, and there’s also a tribute to John Le Carre.
Anyone who thinks this EP will not bring about a change in government is just not being optimistic enough.
The EP is available on iTunes, Amazon, and all download sites, as well as directly from the band via their Bandcamp site.
Bandcamp: https://johndredgetheplinths.bandcamp.com/…/the-plinthsmani…
'Sounding great! I love breezy pop!' - Danny Baker
'Highly recommended for lovers of power pop and hummable ditties' Louder Than War
'Great!' Alan McGee
'Fishy fishy fish fish!' - Boris Johnson

Monday, 24 June 2019

RECENTLY REDISCOVERED EXCERPT FROM AN UNFINISHED BOOK BY ENID BLYTON


One morning The Secret Seven were all playing in Peter’s front garden.  

‘This is fun’ said Peter, ‘but it’s a shame there don’t seem to be any mysteries around to solve at the moment.’

‘That is mysterious’ said Colin.

‘Let’s keep an eye out for anything unusual,’ said Vera.

‘What about that car?’ said Janet, who had noticed a car.

 ‘It looks ordinary enough’ said Peter.

Too ordinary,’ said Janet.

‘Yes and look at the man in the front seat’ said Noreen. ‘He looks even more ordinary!

The Secret Seven hid behind the garden fence as, slowly but surely, a very ordinary looking man emerged from the car, changed what appeared to be a flat tyre, got back in, and drove away.

‘That was mysteriously ordinary,’ exclaimed Peter.

‘Perhaps we should go to the police,’ said Norman.

‘No, but we’ll have a secret meeting in the shed first thing tomorrow morning!’ exclaimed Peter even more exclamatorially. ‘It all seems very peculiar indeed!’

The next day’s meeting was full of excitement, although you’d be forgiven for thinking it wasn’t. 

‘Look at Scamper!’ said Norman, ‘he’s sitting there just like a dog!’

Everyone laughed at this hilariously appropriate observation, which took at least half an hour to recover from.

‘Now what shall we do about the mystery of the ordinary car?’ said Peter, sounding awfully important.

‘I’ve just thought of something!’ exclaimed Janet, sounding even more important and even more awful.

‘What have you thought of?’ said Norman.

‘Oh dear,’ said Janet, ‘I’ve forgotten.  But it was a good idea.’

‘Don’t worry Janet, it was a jolly good idea to have a good idea,’ said Peter.   

‘Why don’t we go back to where we were yesterday and see if the car comes back?’ said Vera.

Agreeing that this was another good idea, they went front into the back garden, realised their mistake, and went back into the front garden.  They waited and waited.  Suddenly, four days later, they heard something approaching.   

‘It’s a car!’ exclaimed Vera.

‘Shhh, stop exclaiming!’ said Peter, ‘You’ll give us away!’

‘That’s rich coming from you,’ said Vera.

‘What do you mean?’ exclaimed Peter.

‘You’re always exclaiming!’ said Vera, ‘You did it again there!’

‘Now is not the time to argue about who exclaims and who doesn't,’ interjected Janet.

‘Ooo look at you interjecting!’ said Peter bitchily.

‘Calm down all of you!’ said Colin, thankful for a line of dialogue. ‘Let’s keep quiet and see what happens next.’

The sound of the car got nearer and nearer and then finally it drove into view.

‘It’s a completely different car to the other one we saw,’ said Peter, trying not to exclaim. 

‘How peculiar!’ said Janet.

And then as quickly as it had arrived, the car vanished into the distance.

‘I’m going to the police!’ said Norman.

‘Good idea,’ said Peter.  ‘And perhaps they can help discover just exactly what is going on!’


Friday, 7 June 2019

first gig booked

I have booked my first stand-up gig for the end of the month. Five minutes.  Need to keep going over the material.  I guess it gets easier the more you do it.  Not particularly looking forward to it, especially as the show ends so late.  Oh well.

Tuesday, 21 May 2019

learning it


I am starting to learn my five minutes of standup material.  Learning material is extremely dull. How people learn hours of it I have no idea.  I have settled on a ‘miserable bastard’ persona which suits me well.  The material consists of one-liners mixed with some fairly personal stuff, which I think is the best way to go.  It’s a bit weird because all the other comedy I have done has been surreal and escapist – this is rooted in reality, something I‘ve never been very keen on.  However, that is what seems to come out when writing for standup so what will be will be will be (will be).  Everything is stacked against you when starting out in standup and I recall Harry Hill saying ‘those first gigs are the most difficult you will ever do.’  Who knows how it will go?  Soon enough, I will know.