first gig booked

I have booked my first stand-up gig for the end of the month. Five minutes.  Need to keep going over the material.  I guess it gets easier the more you do it.  Not particularly looking forward to it, especially as the show ends so late.  Oh well.

learning it

I am starting to learn my five minutes of standup material.  Learning material is extremely dull. How people learn hours of it I have no idea.  I have settled on a ‘miserable bastard’ persona which suits me well.  The material consists of one-liners mixed with some fairly personal stuff, which I think is the best way to go.  It’s a bit weird because all the other comedy I have done has been surreal and escapist – this is rooted in reality, something I‘ve never been very keen on.  However, that is what seems to come out when writing for standup so what will be will be will be (will be).  Everything is stacked against you when starting out in standup and I recall Harry Hill saying ‘those first gigs are the most difficult you will ever do.’  Who knows how it will go?  Soon enough, I will know.

stand-up

Am going to try stand-up comedy.  I’ve been doing a class in sketch and character comedy and we did a live show which went well, but in the UK there aren’t a lot of outlets for that sort of thing anymore and I feel I need to adapt.  It’s not something I’m naturally drawn to so I’m going to have to work at it.  I’ve got five minutes of material together – who knows how good it is?  The only way to find out is to go and do it and then change it accordingly.  I also have a shocking memory for remembering lines so that’s something else I need to work on.  Anyway, it’s now or never.  I need to learn the material before I can do anything else so that’s the next step.   

I’m not young – and I have a day job which takes up a lot of time and energy so it’s not going to be easy.  I don’t have a wife or kids so that pressure’s not there, which is good.  I have been doing comedy in some form all my life – podcasts, community radio shows, videos, and a double act with fellow silly person Andy Harland.  However with stand-up you can only rely on yourself, which has advantages and disadvantages.

  

Perhaps in writing this blog other people in a similar position might find it interesting and possibly useful.  It will also hopefully keep me on track.  Am going to document what happens on social media.  That's the idea anyway.   

Off we go.   

Polevaulting

Today’s blog is all about polevaulting. What is it? What was it? And why is it?

Polevaulting was invented during the war by acclaimed inventor Professor G. Tukesby.  On discovering that by mistake one evening he had invented a long pole, he was at a loss as to how it could be of value.  It was only when he was chased by a goat the next day and used it to vault over a fence that he sensed a way forward and ultimately, a way upward.  He discussed the situation with a neighbour in his local bar the following Monday.  ‘A bar!’ he allegedly exclaimed. ‘They could vault over a bar!’   Tukesby went away and that night created the very first ‘polevaulting bar.’  Anxious to use it, the Professor and his neighbour began polevaulting in the front garden, and before long a crowd had assembled, all eager to have a go. 

Since then polevaulting competitions (and contests) have been held in places as far afield as Cambridgeshire, Londonshire and The Isle of Manshire.  Nowadays it is rare to attend any dinner party without a quick polevaulting spree in the garden afterwards.  In his book Polevaulting And You, Reg Chipforks points out that poles should be made of aluminium or fibreglass, and that poles made of plasticine or string are nowhere near as effective.  He also advises the use of the outdoors when attempting to polevault, rather than a kitchen or laundromat.

Attributes such as speed, agility and strength are useful in polevaulting, although cheating and skulduggery are possibly even more important.   In modern competitions, NH denotes ‘No Height’ when a vaulter has failed, and NPC denotes ‘No Point Continuing’ when a competitor has died. During a longer game, marks may be awarded for longitude, although a certain amount of latitude can be given (up to 4%).  If a pole is broken during a competition the pole is said to be ‘broken’ and a ‘mender’ is called.

Unlike the high jump, polevaulting is unlike the high jump.  It is similarly nothing like the wide jump and only a buffoon would confuse it with the far jump.  It is also not true that all pole-vaulters emit a foul stench.  This was a rumour which originated from The Anti-Polevaulting League in the mid-eighties.  This organisation is now defunct, as are the mid-eighties. 

The popularity of polevaulting is now widespread, and enjoyed by people, animals, harpists, tramps, nuns, oligarchs, hobgoblins and the obese.  Why not give it a try today?     

  

art

I've been doing a lot of weird drawing so here is some of them.

I'm not much of a blogger

I'm not much of a blogger.

fractured blog

This is a fractured blog

Bits and pieces of sentences and phrases that emerge from my fractured brain

The Plinths have done a new pop video inspired by the John Hughes film The Breakfast Club you can watch it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qa0F4R7jW1w

That was a good film

I wonder what I am doing here

I wonder what you are doing there

Recently I have been doing a lot of weird cartoons and sketchings which you can see on my instagram account

I have now stopped doing them

I wonder what  I am doing here

I wonder what you are doing there

Our recent DredgeLand podcast can be heard somewhere

Probably best to go and have a look at DredgeLand.com

It is really stupid

Apparently I wasn’t loud enough

I am too quiet

You can hear the final instalment of our sports-based adventure serial Cram and Coe

We have finished it as I can’t be bothered to write any more

I am currently watching every episode of The Goodies ever made. Of the 15 episodes I have seen so far only two have been any good

The rest have been bad

Mark is working on some new Plinths arrangements

I say arrangements, he’s putting a bit more guitar on them

I wonder what  I am doing here

I wonder what you are doing there

The sky is pink

My legs are puce

DredgeLand are doing another of our radio shows on wandsworth radio on thursday at 7pm

It will be a load of incoherent babbling and records

I don’t like people walking behind me

I don't like people walking in front of me

I wonder what I am doing here

I wonder what you are doing there

This blog is at an end

The End

See?